Ordinary Girl, Extraordinary World

Like most small children, as a young girl I had my moments of insecurity. Trying to discovery who I was, and why I was here, I too experienced the growing pains of adolescence. I would consider myself to have been an ordinary little girl for the most part. However, normal growing pains aside, I always felt "different" than most other kids, even my closest friends. Somehow I felt like while I could relate to them, and the normal workings of childhood, there was a part of myself that I felt they would not relate to and that part was perhaps not so normal. I can only explain it as a feeling of "knowing" that I had about the world around me, it was something that other kids didn't seem to notice. I had an extraordinarily strong connection to nature, from the smallest ant to an evergreen bush that was in my backyard that I even named, Cleopatra. At night when the moon and stars came out, I was drawn to the sky. I would swear that I could actually feel the light of the moon on my skin. I felt an energy radiating from it's glow that seemed to totally invigorate me and comfort me at the same time. When I would mention these feelings to a friend they would give me a blank look or an unconvincing reply of fained understanding. So, I decided that my feelings must have been weird, out of the norm, and I kept them to myself. I spent many hours watching little bugs make their way through the grass, chasing butterflies or rescuing drowning worms from mud puddles. I carried home every stray in the neighborhood and felt a deep sadness when the trees were cleared in a lot downtown to make way for a new store. It was almost as if I could feel their suffering. I took notice of the changing of the seasons and the way that I could sense a changing in myself as well, in perfect alignment with them.

As I grew into a teen, my feelings did not change and the gap I felt between myself and those around me only widened. Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood, a terrific family and some wonderful friends, and many, many great times. It's just that there was a part of myself that through experience I knew they would not understand, so I kept it hidden and never felt like I was truly being myself with anyone that I knew. My family was not religious, but any questions that I had about religion, or God were answered by my parents, as honest opinions and not stated as facts. I was allowed to draw my own educated opinions about such things and allowed to follow a path that was right for me and not a map drawn out by someone else based on their beliefs. The only problem with that was that what I felt and what most everyone around me believed seemed to be very different. I looked into several different belief systems, and I just didn't connect with any of them. In fact, I felt that they had far too many answers with far too few explanations that made sense or felt right to me. A sense of isolation began to grow. During those years I also began having experiences that confused and sometimes frightened me. I often times would know the outcome of a situation before it happened, sometimes I even knew when the phone was going to ring and who was on the other end. I began to have reoccurring dreams of another place and time and sometimes the reflection that I saw in the mirror seemed completely unfamiliar to me. The eyes were my own, but the face was all wrong. I also began to sense the presence of others when nobody else was around me. I became sensitive to certain places, and felt them as either positive or very negative places for no reason that was obvious to me. It was also at that time that I started practicing magick. I was never exposed to any such thing and I knew nothing of it, other than what I may have seen in a silly horror/fantasy movie. I only knew that I was following some sort of an instinct if you will. Something that deep in the recesses of my soul, my mind had been suddenly remember and greeted like on old friend. I learned that if I wished for something hard enough, more often than not I would get it. I began to craft spells of sort, with no direction or guidance. I would light a candle and incense and do a little of this and say a little of that, and it worked. I once mentioned this spell casting to my best friend because I was confused about why I had taken to doing them. She looked as if I had told her I had sprouted a tail and horns during the night and spent the evening doing the tango with the devil himself! She scolded me, told me this was something evil influencing me and instructed me to NEVER, ever do anything like that again and promptly gave me her personal bible (which I have to this day). I know she meant well but I of course did not follow her advice, however I never mentioned it to her again! So, as I grew into a young adult, I learned what I could and could not share with others. I longed for someone that I could just really be myself with, my real self, whoever that was.

As the years passed and times changed and the Witches began stepping out of the shadows of their broom closets, I discovered that I wasn't so alone in my thinking after all. I read every book and publication on the subject of Witches, Witchcraft and Magick that I could get my hands on. The more I read the more that I felt that I had found a group of people like myself, I finally felt that there were actually people out there who truly would "get me" and know exactly where I was coming from. I could relate to the things I was learning about, this was an amazing time in my life, and it was so funny to think that all along I had been living my life as a Witch, without ever even realizing it! Soon after, I also discovered Wicca and again, I was thrilled to find my way to what I like to call home.

Today, as a mature, very secure woman, I am happy. I am content with who and what I am. I feel that I have found a peace from within that I don't know how I ever managed without. I feel whole. So as it turns out, I wasn't such a weird little kid after all. I was simply an ordinary girl finding her way in an extraordinary world.